Rigamortim

Mid day today, during work she entered my mind. She being Ashleigh the women that has held my heart for more years then any other and then some. I pulled out a picture of her, the very same picture I’ve had in my wallet since she came to Canada for those three days and two nights so many years ago. The very same picture of her that I’ve pulled out of my wallet an in calculable amount of times and stared at for numerous hours. This picture symbolized, in my mind, our connection and once unbreakable love. The only true token of what we once had during a different time. And her face was gone. Had I been someone else I would have brushed it off as simple wear and tear or maybe it simply stuck to some part of the wallet itself and while removing it to gaze upon her face like so many times before only to find it faded and gone. But I’m not so blissfully ignorant, though at times I wish I was. Seeing as how our whole relationship was or seemed to be some kind of evolutionary next level movie experience I could not simply brush it off as something so simply as chance. I took it as a sign that all the love we once shared ………was gone forever. It was only her face that had been removed. Not mine not the background not her neck or hair but her face and eyes. The places I focused on the most were gone forever. The old me would have placed the pictures back in my wallet to look upon once again another time, but I’m not that person any longer I can not hold onto something that is no longer true something that is dead and gone. So I burned it, I pulled out my lighter while sitting in the lunch room put flame to the picture, watched it burn, holding on until the heat and burn was unbearable letting it fall to the floor watching as it laid there burning, inhaling the bitter sweet smell of the smoke. After it was all burned and the embers extinguished I returned to work.



Now what will become of her, I have no idea
What will become of me I have a slight idea
What will become of us ……………………………

Well I fall again into dismay
Well I'll be ashamed of cryin
And i know its never been the way i described
But i am afraid of tryin
Your the one that keeps me all excited
You keep me begging for more
Now is it over?

Never leave me and don't deceive me
I'll keep on crawling my friend
Never tease me don't leave me here
Its all the same in the end

Now i find that i am weak at fair
That i am ashamed of liein
Now i know things never feel right inside
And i am afraid of diein
Cause your the one that keeps me all excited
You keep me begging for more
Now is it over?


Don't lever me here its all the same in the end.

Jan 25 2007

January 23 has come and gone leaving us ..........

I failed you,

I failed myself,

I failed us.

It feels as though its all on my head.

What is weighed down more the head or the heart i can not say.

I still remember our first encounter.

First time on the Internet minutes after getting my first email account I entered the first chat room I could find.

You were there.

I messaged you .........................